Let’s go out for cool water and zucchini slices

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You probably heard that I quit sugar recently. Well, technically speaking – and there are a lot of technical details based on questionable science – I quit fructose. A skinny blonde woman and a man claiming to be a doctor said fructose is bad and I should stop eating it, and also stop being in the same room as it, so I did. You should too! I would love to tell you all about it over coffee, except I might be tempted to put some fructose-laden sugar in the coffee, so let’s avoid that whole quagmire, shall we?

I know a great place where we can get a tall glass of slightly-below-room-temperature water (not too cool or it affects your metabolism, that’s another thing you should look into, here’s ten web links) and a plate of diagonally sliced low-calorie zucchini. There’s no menu – that’s all they serve! That’s their secret, no temptation. It’s very popular with women like me who wear lycra and neon purple runners all day so everyone who sees us is aware of our superior lifestyle choices.

I had to stop going to most cafes because studies have shown that sugar can be absorbed straight through your pores, so even being in the same room with it can negatively affect your endocrine system. A slice of banoffee cheesecake diffuses fructose molecules into the air at a rate of 0.37 micrograms per minute. Depending on your proximity to the dessert tray, you can absorb up to 41% of that through exposed skin!

It’s not enough to purge your home of fructose. You need to find sugar-free zones where you can enjoy a quick snack without the military-dessert-industrial complex pressuring you with omnipresent brownies, cupcakes and melt-in-your-mouth macaroons, which are things I absolutely do not want and neither should you.

When are you free? I can do tomorrow, or this afternoon, or even right now. I’ve got a lot of free time since I started avoiding all my sugar-eating friends. They were enablers who would say crazy things like “it’s okay to have a slice of banana bread now and then,” which it absolutely is not, since sugar is more addictive than cocaine and anyone who cared at all about your health would not tell you it’s okay to have a little cocaine now and then, would they?! Well, how about Thursday? Saturday? The water and zucchini slices are on me and I’ve got lots more to tell you about why fructose is ruining your life. Next month? Early next year? Please?