How to cook and eat your pets

Hello and welcome to the collapse of modern civilization! NASA was right on the money with that one, it turns out. I suppose accidentally blowing up a couple trillion-dollar space shuttles teaches you something about accuracy.

One relief is we can finally update that old saying to something more modern, such as ‘How come the government can accurately predict the end of life as we know it but can’t deliver a letter to the right mailbox?’ (Ha ha, remember when we had fixed addresses? Those were the days.)

To increases your chances of survival, you need to learn some post-apocalypse DIY. Don’t worry, I’m here to help.

A pug wearing a lei: comedy from Ashley Kalagian Blunt

How to cook and eat your pets
Step 1. Select the pet you like the least and/or is the meatiest. (You’ll eventually have to cook them all, but you may as well save your favorite for last.)

Step 2. Bash its head in with a large rock (if you have bullets, save them for self-defense. Remember, all supplies are precious and finite). Aim for the temple to get it over with in one blow.

Step 3. Remove fur/feathers. Fur is most easily removed with a knife – hopefully you have one. If not, remember: teeth are nature’s knives!

Step 4. Cook your pet as you see fit. I recommend boiling older pets into stew, but spit-roasting over an open fire of defunct electronic equipment is another easy option.

Step 5. Serve with a handful of whatever greenery is in season – tree leaves, etc.

Step 6. Reflect on any psychological counseling you may have once received.