2017’s Hottest Fashion Trends

Ashley Kalagian Blunt hottest fashion trends

  1. Habanero sauce, rubbed everywhere
  2. Skirt made from rings of fire
  3. Miniature Hadron Collider vest, set to 9.9 trillion °F
  4. Actual fireplace strapped to your waist
  5. Paper mâché volcano hat
  6. Suit made of quasars (they’re very hot)
  7. Full-body skin suit of 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive
  8. Gloves that are actually Carolina Reaper peppers
  9. Dwarf star fascinator
  10. The Hope Diamond, after you stole it
  11. Flame-shooting bra
  12. Suit of toast fresh out of the toaster

 

My opinions on dog names will eventually result in divorce

Unless they’re the children of celebrities, human babies are generally stuck with boring people names. But dogs can be called any sort of amazing name at all. It’s insultingly uncreative to give a dog a human name. Like a french bulldog I met, who was named, of all things, Gerald. Gerald could have been named Clams or Seven or Sir Snotsalot or anything other than Gerald.

My husband disagrees. I told him my dream was to have a sausage dog named Saucy. ‘It works on so many levels!’

‘What levels?’ he said.

What levels? Obviously the sauce/sausage connection. Also the fact that saucy sounds like ‘saussie’, an Australianised shortening of sausage. And then imagine if the dog had a saucy attitude. Just imagine.

 

5 life hacks you absolutely must follow or you’ll be dead by Friday

1. Taupe is your colour. That’s right, taupe.

2. Attach paperclips to a hanger, then put in your freezer to avoid thinking about your credit card debt.

3. If you’re driving in snow and spin out, pour a bucket of hot water under each tire. Seriously. Your neighbours won’t laugh at you.

4. Put a piece of white bread inside your shirtsleeve to soak up sweat.

5. Get 37 people to retweet you within exactly 29 seconds, and a unicorn will appear to grant you one wish.

Your muscles: a user’s guide

A user guide to your muscles.png
Hello and welcome to your new muscles! They’re not really new, of course; you’ve had them for 30-some years. But because the only greens in your diet are lime-flavoured jellybeans, and you’ve spent approximately 97% of your waking hours hunched in front of glowing rectangles, your muscles have entered a new phase of deterioration.

The following FAQ will help you understand exactly how terrible the rest of your life will be.

Why are my muscles in constant pain?
You have to understand that your body has upwards of 850 individual muscles and each one of them hates you.

This is how I would have expected to feel at, like, 60.
Yes, your body has effectively given up, which has accelerated your aging process. By 35 you’ll feel like you’re 80, and by 40 you’ll feel like you’re 127.

I see other people doing things like sitting on picnic blankets and carrying everyday items including books, groceries and purses without this seeming to cause them serious pain. Is it appropriate to stare at them as though they’re three-headed aliens who teleported here via a ring of purple fire?
Sure, I guess.

What can I do to make this better?
You can pay a hipster osteopath $97 to stab you in the leg with a needle and call that ‘acupuncture’.

Uh-huh, so you’re saying there’s nothing I can do?
You can spend thousands of dollars and several futile years with physios, massage therapists, chiropractors, osteopaths, yoga instructors, pilates instructors, doctors, reiki masters and a man who believes that muscle trauma can be healed through immersion in pickle brine.

Will any of that help?
The pickle brine guy has a lot of positive Google reviews.

What if I just have a nice hot bath?
Most bathtubs were purposefully designed to fuck up your neck.

Maybe I should just spend the next fifty years lying down.
Lying down causes your lower back to seize. Also, you still haven’t found a pillow that prevents your neck pain. Here’s the secret: no such pillow exists!

What if I ate some broccoli?
As if you’re going to eat broccoli.

No really, I found this soup recipe and also green smoothies are a thing.
And? How is it?

OMG it’s like chewing a pine tree why does my body even want this?
Your taste buds also hate you.

7 tips to stave off divorce

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Don’t go to bed angry
Instead, stay awake fighting for days, ultra-marathon style. A mention in the Guinness Book of World Records for Longest Marital Showdown is a sure way to reignite the flame.

Spice up your love life
Cardamom. Paprika. Basil. Turmeric. These are all things you should not put on your genitals, unless you are aroused by emergency medical fees.

Listen to each other
Sure, you’ve been hearing this person drone on forever about the refrigerator’s mould situation and the way Helen in accounts payable cracks her knuckles during staff meetings and that one ingrown toenail. But tuning out means you’ve given up on your spouse’s ability to surprise you. Make the effort to really listen: it may turn out the refrigerator is also leaking freon, or Helen in accounts payable has been replaced by a man whose nose hair touches his upper lip, or the doctor said that toenail has caused an infection, leading to life-threatening septicaemia. By paying close attention, you will learn intimate details that could distress and haunt you for the rest of your life

Have a regular date night
Why argue at home when you can take that shit public?

Communicate
With so many avenues of communication available, there’s no excuse for poor communication with your spouse. Don’t limit yourselves to Facebook and Twitter: get creative with Snapchat, Pinterest and Vine. By sharing every waking minute, you’ll not only know exactly what’s going on with each other, you’ll also create an archived testament to an incredible marriage spent mostly staring at your phones.

Avoid seeing each other naked
Seeing your spouse naked too often can dampen any excitement this once provided. Except for your semi-annual mutually unsatisfying horizontal romp, work together to hide yourselves and maintain the mystery of exactly how much your youth has deteriorated. Stables sell horse blinders.

Agree to disagree
And make a really big deal of it.

All-natural house cleaning through Satanic ritual III

“Like Hell” All-Purpose Cleaner and Deodorizer
½ cup baking soda
½ cup rock salt
2 cups warm water
1 or 2 drops of orange essential oil (optional)
chalice carved from basalt or white gold (the evil gold)
5 candles

  1. Place baking soda, rock salt, water and essential oil into the chalice. Cup hands over the chalice and sway back and forth while chanting, “In the name of Lucifer, Lord of Earth, and Leviathan, Lord of the Seas, and Mr Clean, Lord of Sparkle and Baldness, I bless this water in thy names!”
  2. Arrange the 5 candles to form a pentagram. Place your open palms over the flames and sway back and forth while chanting, “Satan, Lord of Fire, I call on to you to cleanse my home of impurities be they angels of ill-will or mildew.”
  3. Pour chalice solution over kitchen or bathroom counters, into dishwashers, refrigerators and bathtubs. Scrub with dark reverence and wipe with a damp sponge.

Devilishly effective! Greasy Stain Remover of Hades and Satan’s Glass Cleaner

 

Career advice for the pre-foetus

babyYour career considerations should begin well before you’re conceived. It’s important to be born to at least one parent in your desired field, preferably two. Other factors to consider are your potential parents’ projected income levels and stability. Your prospects decrease if your dad leaves your mom after she loses her cheese-sprayer job.

However, research shows that if one of your parents dies while you are between the ages of 9 and 14, you’re more likely to achieve greatness in your chosen field (this information can be difficult to obtain in advance).

Good looks and height a have significant effect on your income, so be sure to get the best genes. Unless you’re a woman, then you don’t want to be too good looking – like, pleasant but not hot enough to incite female colleagues’ jealousy … actually, you know what? Just go for male genes: less complicated, much larger salary potential.

Also: ensure you’re born into the right community! This is essential because there are a lot of communities out there that are, frankly speaking, doomed. Rich, white and Western is a classic combination, but also check out new opportunities arising in Asia. Singapore is a hot choice right now.

Finally, if you’re interested in competitive sport, decide now! It’s essential to time your conception for birth early in the calendar year, ideally January. Time this right and by the age of five, you’ll have the physical advantage of several extra months’ growing time on the other kids in your age group. This is the key to showing “early promise” and receiving the extra training, coaching and parental support required.

Don’t wait: set your career plan in place well before you’re conceived – figuring it out after is a lot harder.

All-natural house cleaning through Satanic ritual II

Greasy Stain Remover of Hades

½ fresh lemon
1 cup baking soda
a pentagram carved from basalt

  1. Hold the offending garment in front of you at eye level. Identify the stain. With eyes closed, visualize it engulfed by a pure and eternal flame.
  2. Squeeze lemon juice onto the stain, then apply baking soda, rubbing in a counter-clockwise direction (the evil direction).
  3. Place your pentagram in the centre of the room. Facing north, stand just behind the pentagram and hold the garment at arm’s length shouting “Asaroth!”
  4. Facing west, hold the garment at arm’s length shouting “Leviathan!”
  5. Facing south, hold the garment at arm’s length shouting “Lucifer!”
  6. Facing east, hold the garment at arm’s length shouting “Bieber!”
  7. With eyes closed, visualize the demons you have invoked and the elemental energies flowing from each direction. Aloud chant, “Around me flames the star of force and fire, within my soul The Eternal One, Immortal and Infinite!”
  8. Wash as per garment instructions.

Like this? Try Satan’s glass cleaner!

Let’s go out for cool water and zucchini slices

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You probably heard that I quit sugar recently. Well, technically speaking – and there are a lot of technical details based on questionable science – I quit fructose. A skinny blonde woman and a man claiming to be a doctor said fructose is bad and I should stop eating it, and also stop being in the same room as it, so I did. You should too! I would love to tell you all about it over coffee, except I might be tempted to put some fructose-laden sugar in the coffee, so let’s avoid that whole quagmire, shall we?

I know a great place where we can get a tall glass of slightly-below-room-temperature water (not too cool or it affects your metabolism, that’s another thing you should look into, here’s ten web links) and a plate of diagonally sliced low-calorie zucchini. There’s no menu – that’s all they serve! That’s their secret, no temptation. It’s very popular with women like me who wear lycra and neon purple runners all day so everyone who sees us is aware of our superior lifestyle choices.

I had to stop going to most cafes because studies have shown that sugar can be absorbed straight through your pores, so even being in the same room with it can negatively affect your endocrine system. A slice of banoffee cheesecake diffuses fructose molecules into the air at a rate of 0.37 micrograms per minute. Depending on your proximity to the dessert tray, you can absorb up to 41% of that through exposed skin!

It’s not enough to purge your home of fructose. You need to find sugar-free zones where you can enjoy a quick snack without the military-dessert-industrial complex pressuring you with omnipresent brownies, cupcakes and melt-in-your-mouth macaroons, which are things I absolutely do not want and neither should you.

When are you free? I can do tomorrow, or this afternoon, or even right now. I’ve got a lot of free time since I started avoiding all my sugar-eating friends. They were enablers who would say crazy things like “it’s okay to have a slice of banana bread now and then,” which it absolutely is not, since sugar is more addictive than cocaine and anyone who cared at all about your health would not tell you it’s okay to have a little cocaine now and then, would they?! Well, how about Thursday? Saturday? The water and zucchini slices are on me and I’ve got lots more to tell you about why fructose is ruining your life. Next month? Early next year? Please?