A discussion with my body re 2017 KPIs

Me: Thank you for meeting me today. I’m hoping we can agree on a set of strategic KPIs for 2017.

Body: Sure, whatever you say.

Me: Well, that’s the thing – we make plans and then you just do your own thing. It doesn’t really feel like you’re a team player.

Body: I don’t see you going along with any of my plans.

Me: I’ve already given you all of January to do whatever you wanted, which was apparently to eat Cheetos while watching every single mockumentary on Netflix. It’s time to get serious about this year. My strategy has two main objectives: developing muscle tone and maintaining a vaguely professional appearance. Each objective has three sub-points, starting with –

Body: My main plan is weird chin hairs. Lots of them.

Me: What? No! No one wants that!

Body: Also random wrinkles. Like, vertical cheek wrinkles.

Me: That’s not even a thing.

Body: … yet.

Me: This is what I mean, we’re working against each other. I spend an hour at the gym and then another hour with the tweezers, and you undo it all overnight!

Body: Hey, re-growing those hairs is hard work.

Me: It’s wasted effort! You could be using that energy to, like, develop some abs.

Body: You could be feeding me Cheetos.

Me: 2017 is not the Year of the Cheeto! 2017 is the Year of Beet Salad and Cross-Training and Actually Wearing Some Make-Up to Work Most Days.

Body: Beet salad, really?

Me: It’s got fennel, I thought it was –

Body: Okay, sure.

Me: Look, can you at least stop twisting out of pelvic alignment immediately after I pay $78 to see the osteopath every week?

Body: You clearly don’t know me very well.

How to cook and eat your pets

Hello and welcome to the collapse of modern civilization! NASA was right on the money with that one, it turns out. I suppose accidentally blowing up a couple trillion-dollar space shuttles teaches you something about accuracy.

One relief is we can finally update that old saying to something more modern, such as ‘How come the government can accurately predict the end of life as we know it but can’t deliver a letter to the right mailbox?’ (Ha ha, remember when we had fixed addresses? Those were the days.)

To increases your chances of survival, you need to learn some post-apocalypse DIY. Don’t worry, I’m here to help.

A pug wearing a lei: comedy from Ashley Kalagian Blunt

How to cook and eat your pets
Step 1. Select the pet you like the least and/or is the meatiest. (You’ll eventually have to cook them all, but you may as well save your favorite for last.)

Step 2. Bash its head in with a large rock (if you have bullets, save them for self-defense. Remember, all supplies are precious and finite). Aim for the temple to get it over with in one blow.

Step 3. Remove fur/feathers. Fur is most easily removed with a knife – hopefully you have one. If not, remember: teeth are nature’s knives!

Step 4. Cook your pet as you see fit. I recommend boiling older pets into stew, but spit-roasting over an open fire of defunct electronic equipment is another easy option.

Step 5. Serve with a handful of whatever greenery is in season – tree leaves, etc.

Step 6. Reflect on any psychological counseling you may have once received.

Woks cited

Creuset, Le Wok w/ Lid, Satin Black: 32cm
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Scanpan Impact Wok, Silver: 32cm
screen-shot-2016-10-27-at-4-40-43-pm
Scanpan IQ Wok: 32cm
screen-shot-2016-10-27-at-4-41-49-pm

Solidteknics (AUS-ION) Formed Iron Sauteuse/Wok: 28cm
screen-shot-2016-10-27-at-4-42-48-pm

Tefal, Character GV5 Wokpan, Red: 28cm
screen-shot-2016-10-27-at-4-37-49-pm

*This post courtesy of a thesis typo I didn’t notice for weeks.

Let’s go out for cool water and zucchini slices

screen-shot-2016-09-07-at-11-19-12-am
You probably heard that I quit sugar recently. Well, technically speaking – and there are a lot of technical details based on questionable science – I quit fructose. A skinny blonde woman and a man claiming to be a doctor said fructose is bad and I should stop eating it, and also stop being in the same room as it, so I did. You should too! I would love to tell you all about it over coffee, except I might be tempted to put some fructose-laden sugar in the coffee, so let’s avoid that whole quagmire, shall we?

I know a great place where we can get a tall glass of slightly-below-room-temperature water (not too cool or it affects your metabolism, that’s another thing you should look into, here’s ten web links) and a plate of diagonally sliced low-calorie zucchini. There’s no menu – that’s all they serve! That’s their secret, no temptation. It’s very popular with women like me who wear lycra and neon purple runners all day so everyone who sees us is aware of our superior lifestyle choices.

I had to stop going to most cafes because studies have shown that sugar can be absorbed straight through your pores, so even being in the same room with it can negatively affect your endocrine system. A slice of banoffee cheesecake diffuses fructose molecules into the air at a rate of 0.37 micrograms per minute. Depending on your proximity to the dessert tray, you can absorb up to 41% of that through exposed skin!

It’s not enough to purge your home of fructose. You need to find sugar-free zones where you can enjoy a quick snack without the military-dessert-industrial complex pressuring you with omnipresent brownies, cupcakes and melt-in-your-mouth macaroons, which are things I absolutely do not want and neither should you.

When are you free? I can do tomorrow, or this afternoon, or even right now. I’ve got a lot of free time since I started avoiding all my sugar-eating friends. They were enablers who would say crazy things like “it’s okay to have a slice of banana bread now and then,” which it absolutely is not, since sugar is more addictive than cocaine and anyone who cared at all about your health would not tell you it’s okay to have a little cocaine now and then, would they?! Well, how about Thursday? Saturday? The water and zucchini slices are on me and I’ve got lots more to tell you about why fructose is ruining your life. Next month? Early next year? Please?