7 ways to tell if your neighbours are trying to eat you

Houses full of neighbours potentially planning to kill you, who knows?
I use the term ‘neighbours’ loosely. Because the collapse of modern civilisation means most of us no longer have a fixed address, it’s hard to describe the people you encounter in your day-to-day scavenging as neighbours. Let’s use the term to mean “people in your general vicinity at any given moment.”

How watchful should you be around these people? Very. Here’s some tips to help you determine if any might be sizing you up for dinner.

  1. They attack you with weapons.

This is obvious, but it’s easy to forget to stay on guard for it. Likely you were raised to be “civil” to others, and this is often your first instinct. When you see another human with a weapon, run! If necessary, you can reassess the situation from a safe distance or hiding place. Remember, the end of civilization means the end of being civil – your survival depends on your vigilance!

  1. They are overly friendly.

This could mean they’re trying to earn your trust, get you comfortable and then, when your back is turned, smash in your skull with that baseball bat that you noticed casually leaning against a corner of their cardboard shack.

  1. You saw them eating someone else.

Yes, there is a vogue for eating human corpses now, and maybe that was all they were doing, eating someone who died of natural causes. Many of us now accept this – why let good protein go to waste?

The trouble is it’s not so far a leap from eating dead humans to killing live ones. Do you know whether that hunk of meat was dead when they found it? If you see neighbours making elbow stew or brainwiches, get away before they eat the last of that tasty, tasty corpse.

  1. You saw them kill someone else.

Don’t get it in your head they won’t do the same to you. It’s easy to believe your skills in the pre-collapse world have some value now. But if you start thinking, “I just have to introduce myself as a urologist and they’ll recognize the importance of my medical knowledge and experience,” you will soon be someone’s lunch. These people are hungry, and that is a much more pressing concern than those red spots on their genitals. Get away while you still can.

  1. They’re wearing a bear skull as a headpiece.

Run.

  1. They pretend to die in the street.

Don’t be fooled. Everyone knows fresh meat is the best meat, so pretending to die is a great way to lure unsuspecting people close – and then leap up and attack them. If you spy a corpse or see a person collapse, approach with caution. One way to test if that body is really dead is to pelt it with rocks from a safe distance.

  1. You have neighbours.

The most important sign – why are those people hanging around? They may be tailing you to find your source of food so they can steal it from you. Or they may be tailing you as a source of food.

While you’re trying to avoid your murderous neighbours, you need to feed yourself! No worries. Here’s some handy tips on how to cook and eat your pets.

How to cook and eat your pets

Hello and welcome to the collapse of modern civilization! NASA was right on the money with that one, it turns out. I suppose accidentally blowing up a couple trillion-dollar space shuttles teaches you something about accuracy.

One relief is we can finally update that old saying to something more modern, such as ‘How come the government can accurately predict the end of life as we know it but can’t deliver a letter to the right mailbox?’ (Ha ha, remember when we had fixed addresses? Those were the days.)

To increases your chances of survival, you need to learn some post-apocalypse DIY. Don’t worry, I’m here to help.

A pug wearing a lei: comedy from Ashley Kalagian Blunt

How to cook and eat your pets
Step 1. Select the pet you like the least and/or is the meatiest. (You’ll eventually have to cook them all, but you may as well save your favorite for last.)

Step 2. Bash its head in with a large rock (if you have bullets, save them for self-defense. Remember, all supplies are precious and finite). Aim for the temple to get it over with in one blow.

Step 3. Remove fur/feathers. Fur is most easily removed with a knife – hopefully you have one. If not, remember: teeth are nature’s knives!

Step 4. Cook your pet as you see fit. I recommend boiling older pets into stew, but spit-roasting over an open fire of defunct electronic equipment is another easy option.

Step 5. Serve with a handful of whatever greenery is in season – tree leaves, etc.

Step 6. Reflect on any psychological counseling you may have once received.